It doesn’t seem possible that we are getting close to being six months gone from the opening ceremony in South Africa. If it weren’t for some convenient distractions every few months on the international stage (the fun ones like actual tournaments, not qualifiers and friendlies) the gap between tournaments would be worse than it already is. But this week we get to take another key step in the process of never being too far away from a World Cup: we get to find out what countries will be tied to the “Countdown to 2018/22” widgets! I haven’t been keeping as close an eye on all these corruption stories going around, because frankly I expect this process to be be incredibly corrupt, and I question what good will come of all these allegations when 1) Jack Warner has yet to be removed and 2) FIFA is supposed to make changes when they’re corrupt? Who is going to make them? The IOC or some other equally corrupt body? I don’t think so. I think we’re stuck with this kind of process. But at least it guarantees the Panorama folks will be able to find work.
Western Sahara, left out of all the reindeer games.
The feeling I have been getting is that England and the USA may be well and truly screwed. Considering these were two of the three frontrunners over the past year, this is quite the change. I would have been thrilled with England 2018 and USA 2022. England have the history, we have the stadia to crush our own attendance record that nobody else is going to come close to anytime soon. But there was always the specter of FIFA getting a wild hair up its ass and going to someone like Qatar, or to be distracted by what is almost surely literally truckloads of money from Russia.
Thing is, for 2018 I will be 34, 38 for 2022 (MATH!), assuming I actually live that long (any actuaries in the audience, shuttup) my goal has been to attend 2018 for sure and 2022 if it is in the USA. This would have been a lot easier if it were England/USA. As it stands, that doesn’t seem to be the case, so I figured I would look at where I would actually want to go for a World Cup.
2018
Russia: Russia seems attractive for a few reasons. First, it would no doubt be an extravagant tournament on par with the Beijing Olympics (and Sochi, to a colder degree). It would probably be a non stop party, and I cannot imagine the insane amounts of drinking that are going to go on there. Second, there’s the novelty of a major sporting event being in Russia. The Olympics have not been back since the fall of the Soviet Union, and while the Winter Olympics return in 2014, Sochi is quite separate from the rest of Russia. Having the most important sporting event in the world take place in Moscow for the first time would be pretty badass to see in person right? Here’s the bitch of it though: you ever look to see how far it is between Moscow and Saint Pete’s? It’s a similar distance of the length of Spain in its entirety. Point being, if I’m traveling to a WC, I want to see matches in more than one place. They have a proposed stadium in Kaliningrad, which if you aren’t familiar is in the part of Russia that is separate from the rest of the country, boxed in by Poland and Lithuania. Can only imagine there are going to be some logistical nightmares in getting to games between countries (if only Russia were part of the EU!). Russia would be nice, but I think for the traveling fan it would be one of the more difficult tournaments to pull off. Similar to how it must be to travel to the tournament if it were here, but hey I’m not foreign so whatever.
Pictured: Russian and American bids make a deal.
Belgium/Netherlands: I may have a soft spot for this bid because of it being the Benelux countries (just groundbreaking political economy stuff there), and I do appreciate that Luxembourg are technically in on it even though they won’t host any matches or get qualification. So where does the bid for early members of the European Coal and Steel Community stand? As the distant longshot for 2018. Unfortunately. Because frankly, Belgium/Netherlands would be the most fun of all the locations. Not (just) for the typical college study abroad attractions of Amsterdam. Hell, eight years from now those laws could be rather different. Eight years from now Belgium might not exist as we know it now unless they get their coalition formation in order. But the real issue is the stadia. As it stands there is no 80k seater capable of hosting the final, although there is approval for one in Rotterdam. Most of the existing stadia submitted have capacity under 30k and have to be expanded. Sepp isn’t too hot on the joint bid idea at the moment, which is a shame. Missing out on the Euros there (and being way too young to enjoy it properly anyway) I would love to attend a tournament there. Netherlands has, by Brilliant Orange’s account, an unbeatable match atmosphere in the streets. But it’s not necessarily about the match, which for an American might be ideal because let’s face it if we get to the quarters of a tournament we take it in stride. I don’t see myself having as much fun watching a neutral game on the streets of Moscow as I do Amsterdam. And this isn’t to slight Belgium, who have some lovely cities as well, and I do enjoy many of the young Belgian players (Screech excluded). I think this would be the choice if FIFA were to go with a more minimalist approach (compliment, not an insult), but that isn’t going to happen.
Lil' Michael Ballack doesn't remember Bruges fondly
Spain/Portugal: I have a sneaking suspicion this is your winner, regardless of Sepp’s trepidation about joint bids. But here’s the thing: I have absolutely no interest in seeing a World Cup here. I know, seeing games in Madrid and Barcelona would be amazing, and Portugal has some fantastic venues as well. Yeah, but, I would much rather see club games there. Granted roughly 99% of my disinterest in this bid comes from the fact that I’m sick of Barca and Madrid, and the claims that La Liga is the best league in Europe. Plus do we really want Ronaldo and Nani to have something to be proud about? Absolutely not. Not only that but let’s say I’m married at that point, I’m clearly losing my wife to some blouse wearing Iberian if I go over there, I can’t compete with that. Moving on.
2022
Japan: No interest. Shouldn’t get it because 2002 is too fresh as far as I’m concerned. Don’t really think it’s an issue either. Also might be the most difficult to travel to, so if I wasn’t able to go I don’t want to have to deal with the time zone issues again. I’m going to be too damn old to be staying up all night to watch games like I did when I was 18. Also bitter that they ate us alive after we went too far and became corrupt and shiftless.
THE JAPANESE?!?!?
Korea: Same as above, except for the Simpsons reference in the last bit. My only attraction to Korea as a travel destination at this point is the ability to score live octopus easily, but I can do that in Queens too. Also awarding them the tournament could send North Korea over the edge (using their normal craziness as a baseline here), I don’t think I can deal with a M.A.S.H. remake.
Probably will have to change his character's name
Qatar: The nine-hundred-pound-sweating-like-crazy gorilla in the room. Some dismiss the bid because of the climate, the religion, and the region. Here’s the thing: I’d much rather be a tourist in Qatar than Brazil or South Africa. Qatar has done everything right in trying to calm fears about their credentials. They will allow booze. They will allow Israel to compete. They have a plan for the climate. They literally are trying to control the weather. They’ve rigged up this solar power system which cools the stadiums up to 35 degrees Fahrenheit, getting them to around room temperature. Considering the average temperature is around 105, getting it down to even 80 would be massive. The cool thing (pun unintended) is that when the stadiums aren’t being used, the solar power will be used to power the local power grids. Pretty swanky right? If FIFA wants to make a statement like they did with South Africa, this is the choice. Maybe. Problem arises if China wants 2026, which let’s be honest if they want they’re getting, Qatar cannot have 2022. I actually think traveling to Qatar for the tournament would be just fine. People say the heat is a problem for people outside of the stadiums, and for sure it is. But I will say this. I have spent time in deserts during July. I have spent time in Atlanta and New York City in July. Give me 105 in the desert over 90 in a swampy humid environment any day. The test for Qatar with be the 2011 AFC Asian Cup, which they host. The Asian Games in 2006 had some serious issues, but this will be the test of whether they may be able to support this kind of tournament. Unfortunately for them this is after the decision is made. However they do have in their bag the fact that you know FIFA wants a tournament in the Arab World. The chance for Sepp to puff himself up as the bridge between Western and Arab Worlds? Terrifyingly real. Still I think China could be a problem here, but this is my second choice if the USA gets the old sugar-me-do.
Australia: Here’s my choice for 2022 should we not meet the corruption muster. Australia has a fantastic track record with sporting tournaments. Aside from hosting the Oceanic tournament, they have also hosted the FIFA U20 World Cup twice. More importantly they have shown the ability to handle larger events with the 2000 Olympics, the Rugby World Cup, and the Commonwealth Games. The biggest issue with Australia is down to rugby and Aussie Rules. The stadiums proposed are largely not association football stadiums, and that causes concern twofold: 1) concerns over quality of pitches and 2) ground sharing issues as the tournament would displace clubs during their season. Apparently there are compromises to get around the second, and if Russia and their plastic pitches are a viable candidate, I don’t see why the Aussies couldn’t figure something out. A plus from the stadia is that Melbourne Cricket Ground and Stadium Austrlia (Sydney) are both big enough to host the final, 100k and 82k or so respectively. Other stadiums will need to be expanded, but that issue is not unique to Australia. They have strong government backing in the face of the old chestnut that the World Cup is actually hurtful financially, and that could be key. I think they deserve the tournament based on the fact that they have had success with recent large scale events, they have been trying to build their domestic leagues, and the fact that if FIFA wanted to make another continental move and give it to a first timer, doing so with one likely to qualify in the first place could be seen as a bonus. I think that traveling to Australia would be more feasible than to Japan or Korea, and the lack of the language barrier makes it attractive as well. Downside is that bitch of a flight, but oh well. I think of all the countries in for 2022, and possibly even more than us, Australia deserve the tournament. Which of course means they won’t get it.
So if this week England and USA fail to convince FIFA with the stars of (the) LA Galaxy, I want to see Benelux and Australia come out ahead. I doubt they will. Well, I know the former won’t, and the latter might not be sexy enough for FIFA. Which is a shame. But when corruption, bribery, and general douchebaggery is what this process is known for, I congratulate Manchester United on receiving the 2018 and 2022 World Cups!
Huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere.
Avoiding the Drop
